This embarrassment

six months have passed

Fri, 02 Dec 2005 04:20:34 GMT

man I forgot about livejournal. but I just read a bunch of y'all's (oh my god I just typed "you guys's" and then backspaced furiously to replace it with y'all's!! don't let me lose my hooooome!!) entries and it made me miss it a little bit.

tomorrow I'm going to Brown to see Eliza and Jason and I'm excited!

my roommate Kristin introduced me to vitamin water earlier this week, and, y'all, it's awesome, you should try it.

I'm tired now so I'm going to go to sleep. I thought since it had been a while this was going to be a very enlightened entry, but it's not, really. but I miss everyone!!

love, Noel

P.S. to those of you who are latin fanatics, thanks. I've found it very valuable this semester, but I think I'm going to turn back to spanish. I just miss it too much.

P.S.S. I just realized after a few sentences I started writing this as a letter, with p.s.s and stuff. well, that's appropriate, right? since everybody knows that livejournal is more of a letter to your friends and to those people who you hope are reading about you without you knowing it than a personal journal. but i definitely think there is therapy in that, so more power to livejournal.

Tue, 31 May 2005 18:52:03 GMT

I haven't written in a while.

I'm gonna read soooooo much this summer. If I don't get too distracted by Carrie and Big, which may happen if I'm not careful.

God, the summer seems like it's going to be so short. I'm so scared it'll be too short.

I've gotta go fill out forms I don't want to fill out that are due tomorrow.

Is it weird to really want to do something you know nothing about? Haha, like crew. I'm so convinced I want to do it, but I don't really know what I'm talking about. And go to the beach - but I've only been once. Six years ago. But do you really need to know anything about the beach to enjoy it? It doesn't seem that hard.

Shoot. Clean my room. Read 1984. FILL OUT FORM. GO. NOW.

so here I am

Mon, 02 May 2005 00:33:20 GMT

It is now Sunday, May 1. I haven't updated in a long time. I'm thinking about quitting livejournal, even though I haven't been doing it that long. I don't really think it's my style. Although reading Emily's entries do make me feel like I'm not alone in the universe :).

I have a lot to do before tomorrow. Physics test. Haven't looked at the chapter yet. Emily can relate. Maybe I'll learn it well enough to work hard in class tomorrow and feel like I've conquered a mountain when I finish - that's how I felt taking physics tests first semester. But more likely it'll be impossible and I'll fail it. That's okay, though.

I've been too distracted recently to do homework. But not distracted in a bad way. Definitely distracted in the best way possible. It's nice not to feel any regret.

Fri, 15 Apr 2005 22:15:13 GMT

Happy Birthday Alex!! The IMAX will be really fun even though some people can't go... You're a grown-up, too, now!

This song.. weird

Tue, 12 Apr 2005 02:52:39 GMT

I just realized that the song on Katie's xanga is a Postal Service song that I really like. I hardly ever listen to that CD - I mean, really, close to never - but once I was listening to it in the car and that song came on and I cried. I mean, literally. And it was so weird and unexpected but all of a sudden I was so touched by it I couldn't hold back the tears, and I cried all the way home. It's mostly the part that goes, "Tell me am I right to think that there could be nothing better than making you my bride and slowly growing old together." That line caught me by surprise. And then she said that he's being unrealistic and it can't work and I just feel so awful. "Some idealistic future," she says.

Whoa, I didn't mean to talk for that long on that song. I don't ever listen to the Postal Service, but sometimes things just speak to you, you know?

I think I like the rain now.

Chris says he thinks livejournals and xangas are dorky and a waste of time and I think they probably are or they are potentially but I also think he's lying and he secretly thinks they're cool and wants one of his own. Hehe..

Sat, 09 Apr 2005 17:21:08 GMT

I like being excited about little things. Like, about my prom dress. And about how today Chris and I are going to go mail our voter registration forms - we're real grown-ups now! And about how I have Windows Media Player on shuffle and a song just came on that I LOVE and I forgot about for a long time. And about how I had a turkey sandwich for breakfast and I've never done that before.

I'm really sad the Pope died. We did the Fuare Requiem at my church Wednesday and it was beautiful. As much as I want to quit choir, it's so good and rewarding to be a part of.

Now another song came on that I love. How can something so impersonal as a computer know exactly what I should hear in a given moment?

Carl Sandburg was socialist. But I still don't want to write that paper. I don't know what my thesis is yet.

Anthony and Scott need to be voted off American Idol.

Hmm

Sun, 03 Apr 2005 20:28:05 GMT

I don't like to talk about some things. I'm not sure if I want to leave forever or stay forever. I can't tell if I want to start over completely or never change a thing. I can't tell if I'm as happy as I'll ever be right now or if I'll be a lot happier at some other point in the future of my life.

Probably, though, I shouldn't think so much about the future. I try not to.

Mmm, it has been a good spring break, though.

me and people

Sun, 20 Mar 2005 18:28:39 GMT

Do you ever realize that all the people you come in contact with during the day even for a fleeting instant, people whom you might never lay eyes on again in your entire life, people whose names you'll never know, whom you'll forget about as soon as you look the other way, are real people with real lives, too? They're just passing you by in the middle of their lives, too. And you never know: maybe they'll remember you and maybe they won't, but you'll never know.

And then you think about the people you do know, but not all that well. Or people you used to be friends with, people who used to be really close to you, and you realize that they have whole new lives that you're not involved in at all, and you remember back when you used to tell each other all your secrets. And they've changed so much - or maybe they haven't. Maybe you've changed. Or maybe you've both changed. Or maybe neither of you has changed, you just think you have. Everything is circumstancial. It's not something to regret, I don't think, but just to think about, to consider every now and then. There are people from my past that I treasure very deep inside of me. Some of them I see frequently, and some I see almost never. Sometimes when I see them I don't think anything. Sometimes, though, I have a wave of nostalgia.

I wonder how many people I've been acquainted with in my 18 years of life. I bet it would take a while to count. I wonder how many I've liked. Most of them. I wonder how many liked me. Hmm. I wonder how many I was friends with.

It's hard to remember emotions. I mean, you can remember them intellectually, but it's hard to actually remember what they feel like sometimes. For me, it's hard to remember anger, mostly, and sadness. I remember elation better. When I get mad or sad, the next day, I remember that I was mad or sad, and I remember what it was about, but I don't remember how it felt. Especially when it's really bad. Sometimes I stay mad or sad for a while, but once I'm over it, I don't remember it unless something triggers it again. But I can't make myself remember it again.

But I like waking up in the morning and just lying in bed and remembering something really happy and it makes me shivery and smiley all over and I wish I was back in time when it happened.

Sat, 19 Mar 2005 21:06:18 GMT

I just watched the last like 20 minutes of What Dreams May Come and I cried. I've seen that movie before but I've forgotten most of it, but the last 20 minutes just made me cry and made want to immerse myself in tragic, beautiful ART. Pour all of the brilliant cinema and music and painting and theatre and nature into me and don't talk just stand there and breathe it in with me and hold my hand but don't touch me but be inside of me and feel it with me even though I want to do it alone I don't want to be alone I want to be surrounded by the world and away from the world at the same time.

Yesterday I was biting my finger above the nail in biology and it started bleeding and hurting really badly, so I said, "Ms. Steadman, do you have a band-aid? I did what you told me not to do," and she said, "you sure did," and she poured alcohol over it and it hurt so bad I squeezed my eyes closed and clamped my jaw together but then the pain went away and she wrapped some gauze and tape around my pinkie (that's what finger it was) and told me I needed to stop that habit and I said I know.

I think nature is art. That's not a discussion about whether God made nature or not, I just percieve nature that way. Well, maybe it isn't, but it's beautiful, or it can be. One day, I want to climb the Inca trail. Other than that, I don't think I want to go to South America. I also want to lie in a painting like Robin Williams does when he dies and reach over to touch a flower and have it smear paint on my finger and everything will be so vivid and perfect colors. But there already are perfect colors outside, and they're real, not painted. It's a beautiful day.

I don't think I want to be a calculus teacher anymore. It depresses me, and I'm not good enough.

God, music is so wonderful. The perfect music in a good movie is so moving. I think I'm going to go play my violin outside - if I can work up the courage.

My entries are so random and disconnected. I can't ever complete a thought, just like I can't ever complete a book.

Charles Dickens writes sentences, but I don't understand how they're sentences. There are so many semicolons.

I love Book Club, too, Emily. Is it bad that I'm always surprised to find out how much and how well my peers think? It makes me so proud and happy.

Thu, 17 Mar 2005 04:23:25 GMT

Mmmm....

Today we split our mink's (her name is Ashley Olsen) head open and pulled out the brain. It was kind of awful to watch Ms. Steadman crack the skull and pull out this strange little bit of squirmy-looking grey matter, but it was also sooo cool.

I cut the brain in half with a little razor. There was the optical chiasma, and the olfactory lobes, and the two hemispheres, and the cerebellum, and the medulla oblongada (is that how you spell it?) and that tree-looking thing. I gave half to Katie and kept half for myself. Isn't it weird that that little piece of... I don't know, stuff. Tissues, cells, wrinkles, blood vessels. Isn't it weird that that controls a real live creature? ALL real live creatures. I have one of those in my head and it controls me. But it doesn't really. I mean, I don't know. I'm controlled by my mind, but is that the same thing as my brain? I guess so, but... weird.

Russia's really interesting. I want to reread Animal Farm. But first I have to finish Tale of Two Cities. It's strange how stuff seems so perfect in theory but then it doesn't really work. Is communism the same as Marxism? I don't think it is. I kind of like Karl Marx.

Last weekend we sang "Mercy, Pity, Peace, and Love," at my church. It's so pretty and it's a cappella and I love it, and then I realized that the words are by William Blake and I love William Blake! Tonight at choir we rehearsed for this Sunday and for Holy Week, but I'm not going to be there next week. That makes me sad, because the music is so pretty.

Doing physics with Mr. Daniel today after school wasn't nearly as bad as I expected. I think I understand it. I'm going to take the test Friday. But I might still do really badly.

I don't want to be judgemental of people, especially of my friends. If I ever am, stop me.

Earlier today I was really sad. I don't know why. Sometimes I just feel lonely. But then after the mink and a certain hug I felt much better.

physics is killing me

Wed, 16 Mar 2005 03:17:01 GMT

So, I had to catch up on this livejournal thing. I went and read all of my friends' entries for the last week and I'm very emotionally inspired right now.

I read Emily's entry about Jeff Buckley. I left a comment that said that Jeff Buckley heals the soul. Now I'm listening to "Grace." I can feel my soul healing as we speak. Thanks, Chris, for opening my eyes to him so long ago. You always know what the perfect music is.

I've gotten into the habit recently of painting my nails. At first it was just to help me stop biting them, but now I'm kind of obsessed with it.

I'm always tired. I know I'm not the only one, but... I'm always tired. And I eat too much. I had two sandwiches for dinner. And some ginger ale.

I stayed home last Friday because I was sick, and I went back and forth sleeping and reading Tale of Two Cities all day. I love that book. No one was home all day so I didn't have anyone to talk to but Charles Dickens, and he makes me happy. He was talking in my head, and I didn't know what he was saying. I took a shower in the afternoon and all of a sudden I realized that the sentence in my head was, "You appear to have thinned, both in face as well as in manner." What?!

I want to drop physics so badly. When I missed school he taught Physics C Atwood Machines, and Eden and Max and everybody told me it was really hard. So today I begged Mr. Daniel to let me take the test Thursday and for him to teach me Atwood Machines tomorrow after school. Then everyone else said the test was HIDEOUS and I'm going to fail it, and by fail I mean get an F on it.

I feel so bad, because I've felt like I need to be loyal to Mr. Daniel, but the truth is, I hate physics, and I'm not good at it, and I would quit at the drop of a hat if I could, and I'm never taking physics again, and I don't even know if I think Mr. Daniel is a good teacher anymore and that breaks my heart to have to admit.

So right now I need to be studying physics. Or writing my editorial on individuality. Or studying for English. Or reading Tale of Two Cities. Or doing statistics. Or calculus. Or practicing. But the only one I'm going to do is write my editorial, because I feel a real responsibility for the newspaper. Plus, I still love newspaper. I love coming in after school and on the weekends and playing with page design and yelling and complaining with Eliza and Jason and whomever else is there because I love the staff and I'm DEVASTATED (as Eliza would say) that there's only one issue after this and then we'll all be gone and it will be a group of people that will never exist in the same way again.

All I want to do is lie in bed and listen to Jeff Buckley or India.arie or Simon & Garfunkel or Debussy and read a sad book and maybe cry just to make myself feel better and go to sleep and wake up and not have to get up all day.

Instead I have to go learn Atwood machines.

it's really pretty today

Sun, 06 Mar 2005 20:25:48 GMT

Yesterday morning I went and hung out with my cousins, who are in town from Iowa. All of my family on my mom's side is in town for the semi-annual meeting they have about our family farm in Illinois. Those of us not-quite-adults always skip the meetings and wander around. Anyway, after the meeting we all came back to my grandparents' house to eat the usual extended family meal, which took forever, as those always do.

When we were all about to leave, my mom and her three sisters and my sister and my cousins (also girls) were standing in the foyer having an impromptu female bonding/reminiscing session. My mom and aunts were comparing their teenage years to ours, with a focus on curfews and boys. They were talking about how they used to get in enormous trouble when they walked in five minutes after their 10 pm curfew. My cousin Mary and I were falling all over our own mothers in gratitude because they are somewhat more lenient about those things.

Well, last night I was late, again. I always feel bad about missing curfew but I can't seem to curb it now that I'm in a habit. I know my mom doesn't like it. I've got a really good relationship with my mom and I'm just taking advantage of it.

This is kind of a retarded entry. Boring. Oh, well.

P.S. I'm about 70 pages into SL of Bees and it's SOOOOO good I want to finish it before reading Tale of Two Cities (which I hear is good, but I know I'm making a huge mistake putting it off like I am).

Oh wait I'm not done yet I forgot to say AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH it is so gorgeous outside and the Marathon is going on (yay Lesya!!) and it makes me want to go exercise and be outside and blow off all my homework so maybe I'll do that.

P.S. again: I painted my nails red. Sometimes it's really fun to paint your nails.

oh yeah

Sat, 05 Mar 2005 04:09:48 GMT

Oh, I also forgot to say something. Yesterday I realized that the best present to give somebody is a mix CD. I remember reading like old books or watching old movies and people always gave each other mix tapes and I thought it was funny and strange - but mix CDs are amazing. They create a distinct image of the person and every song is like a little memorial (uh... except they're not dead?) to that person. It's like it's immortal.

Ergh, now I really am going to go read Secret Life of Bees.

more thinking

Sat, 05 Mar 2005 04:03:15 GMT

I get uncomfortable talking about right and wrong and society and evil in the world. I think I don't want to believe anything is wrong, but I really know that stuff is wrong. Songs of Innocence, I guess.

What I don't get uncomfortable talking about is supernatural, spiritual stuff. I could talk all day about God or religion or spiritualism. For me, that kind of ties into the human body. The other day Ms. Steadman was talking about how adrenaline is released when the body is nervous or stressed or excited or whatever. It's so amazing to me how this completely impersonal chemical reaction can be activated by something as intangible as the human mind. I mean, some of it is instincts, but a lot of it is just in our mind. We can convince ourselves in our psyches so much of something that it triggers a chemical reaction and our entire body reacts.

Have you guys seen the movie What the Bleep do we Know? It's so good. It's weird, but it makes you think about the human mind and the essence of God and the world a lot. I want to watch it again. I think I'm going to buy it for Ms. Steadman.

Sat, 05 Mar 2005 00:26:22 GMT

Tonight I'm going to hang out with my extended family on my mom's side. We're going to Star of India. You know, I don't have anything against Indian food, but I hate that place. Everybody who works there is so damn friendly - yeah, I know, THAT'S definitely a reason to hate a place. But they all know my family and talk to us and make jokes that aren't funny and try to talk to my dad in Spanish but they can't speak Spanish and I guess that's really nice of them but it just makes me so uncomfortable. Plus it's really dark in there.

Anyway, after that lovely dinner I'm going to curl up and read The Secret Life of Bees. I hear it's really good. I got it a long time ago but I haven't read it - but that's the story of my life. I also hear, though, that it's an easy read. I hear it's uplifting. Some people really like depressing books and I like them sometimes but I really love uplifting books.

We talked about William Blake today. He had two sets of poetry: Songs of Innocence and Songs of Experience. The latter is after he's been disillusioned with life.

I like William Blake a lot. But I don't want to be disillusioned with life.

Secret Life of Bees here I come.

It's late already

Fri, 04 Mar 2005 02:58:59 GMT

I spend a lot of my time complaining about being tired. That really isn't fair, though. I convince myself that I have the most jampacked, difficult life, but then I look around and realize that everyone around me does, too. My best friends do SO MUCH and I just forget a lot of the time.

Tomorrow is the biology test. It consists of two essay questions over 12 chapters worth of material. I am getting way too much into the habit of complaining about it. Waaa my life is hard because I have to study for bio. Well, yes, it sucks, but I'm definitely not the only one doing this. Eliza and Jason have 40 pages of Euro to read on top of it, and I think I have it bad? How selfish.

I also know I'm not alone in wanting to quit. If I could drop classes now I would drop calculus, physics, and government. Weird, because I love calculus, I've voluntarily taken three years of physics (kill me please - I'm never taking it again), and I love Mr. West (government). I'm just siiiiiiiick of it all.

But, like I said, gotta quit complaining - even to myself. I just don't have the right. I'm too blown away by my peers to pity myself.

Number One

Wed, 02 Mar 2005 23:54:22 GMT

Okay, so I don't know how to feel about this. It wasn't my idea to get one of these. But... here I am. So I guess I might as well say hello.

Hello.

Umm...

I got it during newspaper today. Everyone's just so excited about it! Livejournals are the thing, you know? Actually, now that I've started messing around with this, I'm really excited, too. I couldn't wait to get home today to start writing and finding out who has my interests and stalking random people through their livejournals AAHHH why is this happening to me?!? I have so much to do right now!! Why am I babbling on the computer?!

Tonight, I have to go to choir. NOT something I'm looking forward to. I have too much government and biology to read PLUS I'm missing American Idol. Could the situation be any more dire?

Anyway, I'm about to go eat with my mom and my brother, so I guess I've gotta go. But there it is: my first livejournal entry! I feel like a part of the club! Yessss!